Heartbreak

I have been wanting to write this post for some time now.  I know it is going to be hard to get through so I am going to take my time and tell our story with several posts.

Thurs. May 5th changed our life's and our family.  I was scheduled for a routine ultrasound that evening.  In my past appointments the doctor had been doing the ultrasound and she wanted me to see an ultrasound tech to get better pictures and measurements.  My appointment was at 6:15 so Jeff left work a little early so he and the kids could go with me.  We wanted them to start getting excited about the new baby.  We told them if they were really good during the ultrasound we would stop on the way home and they could each pick out something for their new baby brother or sister.

The tech started the ultrasound and soon after stopped and said she needed to get the dr. to make sure she was reading it right.  A few minutes later they started again.  The room was very quiet while they were looking at the screen.  I kept waiting for them to start talking and telling us things they are seeing and how great the baby looks and how strong the heartbeat is.  Before I could hear any of that or ask any questions they were done looking and asked me to sit up so we could talk.  This is when everything around me disappeared and the only thing I could see or hear was the doctor's face and her voice telling me that there was no fluid left around the baby and no heartbeat.  She said the baby had passed away.  I started crying and couldn't believe what I had just heard.  I think Jeff was the first one to speak asking how this could have happened and why wasn't it caught before.  After a few minutes of talking I asked them to check again because what if they just missed the heart beat or miss read something.  They were so nice about it and of course checked again.  Same result.  Jeff took Andrew out to the hall and explained to him that the baby went to live with Heavenly Father and that mommy is going to be sad and crying.  Andrew was so brave while we were there but started to cry as soon as we got to the car.  He was sad and said he missed the baby.  He cried on and off that night.  Allison had no clue what was going on!

Now, back to what Jeff asked about why this wasn't caught before.  One week to the day before the ultrasound I woke up that morning with wet sheets.  I called my doctor and said I needed to come in because I think I'm leaking fluid.  I felt kinda dumb saying that because who am I to self diagnose, but I felt really strongly that,that's what was really happening.  So I go in to the appointment thinking maybe I'll have to be on bed rest or something to stop the fluid from leaking more.  It didn't go at all how I thought it would, they (doctor and nurse) convinced me it was urine.  Too much pressure was on my bladder and it released while I was asleep.  I kept telling them that I was sure it wasn't urine, I could tell a difference.  They sent me home.

At this point I am livid and heart broken.  I was blaming the dr 100% for our baby dieing.  I felt the problem should have been caught the week before and taken care of, we never should have been in this position.  I cried all the way home and the rest of the night.  We told a few people what had happened  and Jeff had to make those calls.  As shook up as he was, he was able to get through the phone calls and hold it together much better than I could have.  That night I cried and we talked a lot about what happen, how could this have happened, how much we blamed the doctor and what are we going to do now.

The next morning we met with my doctor.  She was so very sorry for what had happened and even got a little teary talking with us.  We asked why this wasn't caught when I came in the week before when it clearly was not urine.  She assured us that when she examined me the week before there was enough fluid around the baby and we saw the heart beat and when she checked my cervix it was closed.  And even if it had been caught last week there still wasn't anything they could have done at 17 weeks to save the baby.  I was not reassured enough to completely believe her.  At this point she referred me to see a Peri-Natal  doctor, he's a specialist with difficult and high risk pregnancy's and we saw him later that afternoon to discuss options.  This doctor was great and very sensitive to the situation.  He told me my options in detail:

option 1: try to deliver the baby by being induced.  If I did this we would be able to see the baby and hold it.  Name it if we want to, even take it home to do our own personal burial.

option 2: Have a Dilation and Evacuation surgery. (D&E)  I would be put under for this.  They would dilate me to about a 2 to remove the baby, but because of the small space the baby would have to be removed in pieces.  (this made me sick) It wouldn't look like a baby and we wouldn't be able to see it or hold it. Because of the condition of the body they highly recommend parents don't see it.

We decided on option 1.  We desperately wanted to see our baby and have a few moments to hold it.  We would name the baby and take pictures.  So later that evening I was admitted to Labor and Delivery and they started me on meds to induce labor.

To be continued.......