part 2

It is taking me longer to get through this than I thought.  I'm finding it very helpful to talk about what happen, but writing it is something I really have to be ready for. 


On Friday night I was admitted to Labor and Delivery.  I was started on meds to induce labor but because of my two previous c-sections they had to be very careful with the drugs and amounts they could give me to prevent my uterus from rupturing.  So I was given this medicine every 4 hrs for the next 24hr hours.  Nothing was happening, no cramping or contractions and no dilating.  The dr came in to see me thinking I would just opt for the surgery at this point.  I felt really strongly against the surgery and he agreed to up my dose of the medicine.  He doubled the does which was as high as he could safely go.  He felt very confident that after  2-3 of the double dose's I would deliver the baby during night.  This gave me high hopes that out of this horrible situation we would get to at least see our baby.  I was so sure this was going to work.


The nurse came in and talked to us about a program the hospital has called Heart Prints.  It is for people who lose their babies.  We were asked if we wanted to have a blessing from 'the Father' (Catholic hospital) which we nicely declined.  And we were given a packet of information on dealing with a loss and what our burial options are.  They have an area at a cemetery close to the hospital for burial of the babies at no charge.  It's done very respectfully and with compassion.  We also had the option to do our own burial.  The Heart Prints counselor would be in touch with us to talk about what we want to do. 


It didn't work.  When I work up Sunday morning (Mother's Day) and realized that I had mostly slept through the night with little discomfort I knew what was coming.  I knew the dr would be coming in soon and telling me we gave it our best shot and it's time to do the surgery.  I got angry.  Angry at Heavenly Father for not answering my prayers.  Angry for not answering my prayers for a healthy baby and angry that I my prayers to deliver weren't answered.  Angry that I wouldn't be able to have a moment with my baby and by the end of the day I would be going home not pregnant and no baby to take care of.  The dr did come a early that morning and told me what I already knew.  He was very surprised the meds didn't work and strongly suggested we not prolong this any longer.  I knew what he meant and with tears I agreed.


About an hour later I was taken into surgery.  It took about 45 mins and than I woke up in recovery.  I didn't have to stay the night so I was able to go and was home by 6pm.  It was a relief to be home and see Andrew and Allison again. I missed them so much over the weekend.  Now I was home, in my safe place and now I could grieve.  And cry.  Which I did a lot of.


Before I went into surgery the nurses told us they would be giving us hand prints and foot prints of the baby that we could take home.  Monday morning I realized I didn't have these and I completely fell apart.  I needed to have this.  I needed to know that what just happened was real and to have something to show for it.  Something to show for the pregnancy and the baby I don't get to have.  I didn't even know who to call to find out where these prints where but I had to figure it out.  I was desperate.  I started making phone calls that I almost couldn't even speak through the tears.  Finally I called the counselor of  Heart Prints and she was the person I needed to talk to.  Not only was she going to get the prints but any other momentum's she could.  We talked for a while about what happen and how I was feeling.  She was so good to talk to.  She called me back the next day to tell me she had both hand prints and one foot print along with the blankets the baby was placed in after it was born.  She also let me know that we could bring something in to be buried with the baby if we wanted to.  (we opted for the burial the hospital offers)


A few days later we went to pick up the things from the baby.  This is when it felt very final.  I had what I needed,  I guess it gave me some sort of closer.